“Your worlds not falling apart it’s falling into place”
– Casting Crowns
Man, this week has taken a toll on my heart. I don’t believe I have ever been so sad in my 25 years of life. I thought life was hard up until this week, God gave me a new understanding that what I was going through before is nothing compared to what I am going though now…. On July 13, I received a phone call that dropped me to my knees. A phone call you never want to receive, especially when you are at work not prepared to take the call. God tested my patience, my ability to process, and my faith. Not having any idea if he was dead or alive.
Nathan is a huge part of me, everything that he is, I am. The same blood runs through me that runs through him. He might be the biggest headache, but he is a headache I do not want to live without, and that day I thought living without him was something I would have to do. Continuing this life without my little brother, or as I call him “my bubby”. Notice how I put a “MY” in front of it. I show ownership in this imperfectly perfect human, most people see trouble, but I still see “my bubby”, a kind, sensitive, chubby teenager, with a speech impediment. <He had the cutest voice> I see a lost soul that is searching for a place to call home. When I so badly want to be his “HOME”, he is constantly lost, trying to find this place of comfort that is non-existing.
He has lost all trust in his family; he has lost a connection with me, his sister that in the past has proved that I would always be there. I feel guilt with what has happened because I should have tried harder to keep the relationship intact, but I allowed an outside source to come in between my brother’s and I’s relationship. This outside source has created a monster. It has turned a boy into an angered adult that is always on edge, and on July 13, was pushed over that edge mentally. Is it this entirely the outside sources fault? The answer to that is “no”, as much as I want someone other than my brother to blame, he had a choice. Keep in mind, depression is an illness, an illness that is not easily cured; it takes a lot of love, sometimes drugs, and removing yourself from the situation.
I had a bad feeling the prior Monday before his accident; I actually had the thought “What if he does something stupid, what if he commits suicide?” I believe that was God’s message to me to contact my brother, but I didn’t. I will forever feel guilty for not reaching out to him.
Lesson to self: When God gives you a gut feeling, go with it…. That day I didn’t and it almost costed my brother his life.
Once again, we are not perfect, we never will be. Judging someone else’s actions is easy, but when you put yourself in their shoes sometimes you have a better understanding of how they are feeling.
Young love is beautiful even in the worst ways. Letting go of something you know is hard. However, by doing so you are allowing a better part of yourself show. You are also giving yourself a better life. I pray that my brother will understand that sometimes you have to make choices in life that means letting go of something you desperately love and want for yourself. Although, you believe staying is the right thing, leaving is the better choice. There is no wrong in leaving a situation that is harmful to yourself and others.
I know this blog post is not the happiest thing you have read, but I hope it allows you to think about choices that you need to make in your own life to better yourself. Maybe it is not to this extreme, but do not allow yourself to be in a bad relationship, set yourself free from the abuse. God gave you the ability to make choices, so make sure you make the right ones.
Nathan is not completely innocent in this whole relationship; it takes two to have one, but it only takes one to walk away and end it. I hope with this life experience Nathan has learned some valuable lessons to help him figure out choices he needs to make to better his life for himself and his children.
Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers through this difficult time. I praise God, for sending a guardian angel to care for my brother that day. God allowed my brother to have a second chance at making his life the best that it can be.
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
– Proverbs 16:9