1-800-273-8255

“Your worlds not falling apart it’s falling into place”

– Casting Crowns

 

Man, this week has taken a toll on my heart. I don’t believe I have ever been so sad in my 25 years of life. I thought life was hard up until this week, God gave me a new understanding that what I was going through before is nothing compared to what I am going though now…. On July 13, I received a phone call that dropped me to my knees. A phone call you never want to receive, especially when you are at work not prepared to take the call. God tested my patience, my ability to process, and my faith. Not having any idea if he was dead or alive.

Nathan is a huge part of me, everything that he is, I am. The same blood runs through me that runs through him. He might be the biggest headache, but he is a headache I do not want to live without, and that day I thought living without him was something I would have to do. Continuing this life without my little brother, or as I call him “my bubby”. Notice how I put a “MY” in front of it. I show ownership in this imperfectly perfect human, most people see trouble, but I still see “my bubby”, a kind, sensitive, chubby teenager, with a speech impediment. <He had the cutest voice> I see a lost soul that is searching for a place to call home. When I so badly want to be his “HOME”, he is constantly lost, trying to find this place of comfort that is non-existing.

He has lost all trust in his family; he has lost a connection with me, his sister that in the past has proved that I would always be there. I feel guilt with what has happened because I should have tried harder to keep the relationship intact, but I allowed an outside source to come in between my brother’s and I’s relationship. This outside source has created a monster. It has turned a boy into an angered adult that is always on edge, and on July 13, was pushed over that edge mentally. Is it this entirely the outside sources fault? The answer to that is “no”, as much as I want someone other than my brother to blame, he had a choice. Keep in mind, depression is an illness, an illness that is not easily cured; it takes a lot of love, sometimes drugs, and removing yourself from the situation.

I had a bad feeling the prior Monday before his accident; I actually had the thought “What if he does something stupid, what if he commits suicide?” I believe that was God’s message to me to contact my brother, but I didn’t. I will forever feel guilty for not reaching out to him.

Lesson to self: When God gives you a gut feeling, go with it…. That day I didn’t and it almost costed my brother his life.

Once again, we are not perfect, we never will be. Judging someone else’s actions is easy, but when you put yourself in their shoes sometimes you have a better understanding of how they are feeling.

Young love is beautiful even in the worst ways. Letting go of something you know is hard. However, by doing so you are allowing a better part of yourself show. You are also giving yourself a better life. I pray that my brother will understand that sometimes you have to make choices in life that means letting go of something you desperately love and want for yourself. Although, you believe staying is the right thing, leaving is the better choice. There is no wrong in leaving a situation that is harmful to yourself and others.

I know this blog post is not the happiest thing you have read, but I hope it allows you to think about choices that you need to make in your own life to better yourself. Maybe it is not to this extreme, but do not allow yourself to be in a bad relationship, set yourself free from the abuse. God gave you the ability to make choices, so make sure you make the right ones.

Nathan is not completely innocent in this whole relationship; it takes two to have one, but it only takes one to walk away and end it. I hope with this life experience Nathan has learned some valuable lessons to help him figure out choices he needs to make to better his life for himself and his children.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers through this difficult time. I praise God, for sending a guardian angel to care for my brother that day. God allowed my brother to have a second chance at making his life the best that it can be.

 

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

                                                                                                                                – Proverbs 16:9

 

With Love,

Callie ❤

 

2 thoughts on “1-800-273-8255”

  1. Hey Callie, my husband deals with depression. I’m not entirely sure if I do. I’ve been through a period of whether or not my life was worth living. But when summer comes and you are always wearing a jacket or long sleeve people notice. I don’t remember exactly how it happened in my head, all I remember was me, my sister, and I were going somewhere with my mom. I also do not know how the cuts and scars were seen. I do remember everyone’s tears. In my head I figured I wouldn’t be missed. That day was an eye opener. Now certain events in my childhood and teens lead me to my choices. I do not think I have a mental illness. Now I’m sure you’re probably wondering why I didn’t just speak up and try and talk to someone about it right? Myself believed no one could help or understand what I was dealing with because they themselves haven’t gone through what I was. I am saddened now by thinking back at what I was doing to myself. And now hearing about Nathan I can’t imagine trying to understand his pain. I wish he felt like he could reach out in his time of need. But I wish him nothing but the best and bright future ahead.

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  2. Callie, thank you for sharing this and putting yourself out there. It was a good read.

    There needs to be so much more understanding of mental illnesses than what there is. What you have started here is remarkable.

    Sometimes people with mental illnesses can’t think as clearly, or see things as black and white. Sometimes they just see things that are gray. Sometimes they think that they are treading water to stay alive, when in reality all they really need to do is to stand up, because they are only in ankle deep water. They are so deep in their depression that they can’t see they are in a bad career, a bad relationship, a bad life. And regardless of what the healthy people see, a person with mental illnesses don’t see that…..they only see the part of being a failure, a failed relationship, and failed career, a failed loan, etc And that digs them deeper and deeper into despair.

    Be there for your brother. Educate yourself and do the best you can to learn to listen….even learn to hear what he is not saying. Don’t push. But don’t give up either. Depression takes a LONG time to dig out of, And it takes a LOT of love. A lot of gentleness. A lot of patience.

    I have had a diagnosis of depression since before you were born. I have been in the bottomless pit. The feeling of no way out. The negative………..but I am proud to say, I finally figured out some of my future depended on the choice I made that day. Every morning I choose to get up. I choose to be positive. I choose to write this comment. But it took a LOT of love to get where I am today. Love from my husband, my children, my parents, and my siblings. Without them, I would not be here today. I had to learn to like myself. Then I had to learn to love myself. That was the HARDEST part of my journey!! And it took a LOT of time, struggles, tears, patience, and refusing to give up.

    I am praying for you, for Nathan, for your parents, for your husband and everyone involved. May God be with all of you in the days, weeks, months, and years to come. Don’t give up and continue to let Nathan know……he is worth it and you are glad he is here!

    Thanks again for sharing

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