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“Your worlds not falling apart it’s falling into place”

– Casting Crowns

 

Man, this week has taken a toll on my heart. I don’t believe I have ever been so sad in my 25 years of life. I thought life was hard up until this week, God gave me a new understanding that what I was going through before is nothing compared to what I am going though now…. On July 13, I received a phone call that dropped me to my knees. A phone call you never want to receive, especially when you are at work not prepared to take the call. God tested my patience, my ability to process, and my faith. Not having any idea if he was dead or alive.

Nathan is a huge part of me, everything that he is, I am. The same blood runs through me that runs through him. He might be the biggest headache, but he is a headache I do not want to live without, and that day I thought living without him was something I would have to do. Continuing this life without my little brother, or as I call him “my bubby”. Notice how I put a “MY” in front of it. I show ownership in this imperfectly perfect human, most people see trouble, but I still see “my bubby”, a kind, sensitive, chubby teenager, with a speech impediment. <He had the cutest voice> I see a lost soul that is searching for a place to call home. When I so badly want to be his “HOME”, he is constantly lost, trying to find this place of comfort that is non-existing.

He has lost all trust in his family; he has lost a connection with me, his sister that in the past has proved that I would always be there. I feel guilt with what has happened because I should have tried harder to keep the relationship intact, but I allowed an outside source to come in between my brother’s and I’s relationship. This outside source has created a monster. It has turned a boy into an angered adult that is always on edge, and on July 13, was pushed over that edge mentally. Is it this entirely the outside sources fault? The answer to that is “no”, as much as I want someone other than my brother to blame, he had a choice. Keep in mind, depression is an illness, an illness that is not easily cured; it takes a lot of love, sometimes drugs, and removing yourself from the situation.

I had a bad feeling the prior Monday before his accident; I actually had the thought “What if he does something stupid, what if he commits suicide?” I believe that was God’s message to me to contact my brother, but I didn’t. I will forever feel guilty for not reaching out to him.

Lesson to self: When God gives you a gut feeling, go with it…. That day I didn’t and it almost costed my brother his life.

Once again, we are not perfect, we never will be. Judging someone else’s actions is easy, but when you put yourself in their shoes sometimes you have a better understanding of how they are feeling.

Young love is beautiful even in the worst ways. Letting go of something you know is hard. However, by doing so you are allowing a better part of yourself show. You are also giving yourself a better life. I pray that my brother will understand that sometimes you have to make choices in life that means letting go of something you desperately love and want for yourself. Although, you believe staying is the right thing, leaving is the better choice. There is no wrong in leaving a situation that is harmful to yourself and others.

I know this blog post is not the happiest thing you have read, but I hope it allows you to think about choices that you need to make in your own life to better yourself. Maybe it is not to this extreme, but do not allow yourself to be in a bad relationship, set yourself free from the abuse. God gave you the ability to make choices, so make sure you make the right ones.

Nathan is not completely innocent in this whole relationship; it takes two to have one, but it only takes one to walk away and end it. I hope with this life experience Nathan has learned some valuable lessons to help him figure out choices he needs to make to better his life for himself and his children.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers through this difficult time. I praise God, for sending a guardian angel to care for my brother that day. God allowed my brother to have a second chance at making his life the best that it can be.

 

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

                                                                                                                                – Proverbs 16:9

 

With Love,

Callie ❤

 

Don’t Talk, LISTEN!

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

  •  Psalms 34:17-18

 

We all have struggles, some larger than others, some that bring us to our breaking point where we tend to lose our faith. I hate to say this, but I have questioned God, wondering if he is truly listening and just failing to deliver me out of my problems. When you come to this point in your life where you are questioning your faith, you need to have good people to pull you back into God’s loving arms and give you the strength to keep praying even when you have no ounce of faith left. Sometimes those people need to pray for you because you cannot do it yourself. I was there just a little time ago, down on my luck, questioning my God’s intentions. I needed a friend to get me out of that state of mind and bring me back to trusting in my faith. Also, trusting that God has a plan for me, even if I can’t see it. This friend gave me the understanding through all of these trials God has something for me to take away from them. Not gonna lie, I have no idea what he wanted me to take away from the crap that I was knee deep in. My life was a complete mess. Part of it my fault, the other part not so much. In the end, I needed God more than I needed anyone. I hate being known as a bible pusher and one might say, “This is an unwanted Christian lecture” but I assure you there is never a time that I will not speak up and own that “I am a Christian” and if it is unwanted sorry- not sorry. Sometimes the truth hurts; sometimes hearing the truth sets us free, sometimes just sometimes, you might not want to hear something, but after you hear it you begin to understand someone else perspective on things. At this point in my life, I needed to hear what my friend had to say. My quick phone call to her to vent turned into a 2-hour conversation. Did I want to hear everything she had to say? Umm NO! , but I listened and gained so much from that conversation. She helped me gain my faith back, she allowed me to see all the positive things because the negatives were drowning me, and she told me to pray! That is what I needed to hear! PRAY…. PRAY CALLIE…. GIVE YOUR FAITH TO GOD…. Her words not mine, and that exactly what I did. I prayed and cried…and cried… than I caught myself asking for forgiveness to my God because I lost faith in him. Admitting your wrong is hard, but God is so forgiving and he loves me through all of my flaws. At the end of the day, I know he is listening to my every word.

Allow yourself to listen to others, respect what they have to say. You don’t always have to agree, but you can choose to love them through the disagreements.

I hope everyone has a great weekend packed full of fun. Until next week, keep diggin your roots…

 

Note:

I recently took a training at work about being a good listener. You get more out of listening than you will ever get out of talking. So be open to hear things you might not want to hear, it could be your biggest blessing.

 

With Love,

Callie ❤